Relationship+Puzzles

Communication Spirals, Paradoxes and Conundrums April 6,2009, Workshop Sarah Cohen

Communication Spirals, Paradoxes and Conundrums, what does this all mean? A Communication Spiral occurs when, "the actions of each person in a relationship magnify those of the other" //William W. Wilmot. Negative or positive spirals can occur with any relationship whether it is family, work or dating relationships.// There are seven main characteristics of communication spirals: including those of generative and degenerative spirals. An example of a generative spiral is the teacher who searches for the positive in a student and rewards it appropriately. //“The more genuinely the teacher relates to the student, the better the student performs; the higher the quality of his or her performance, the more positive the teacher becomes”// Wilmot Spirals can be powerful because they pick up a momentum that feeds back on itself.

A degenerative spiral is the mirror images of generative spiral. An example of a degenerative spiral is if a person is hesitant to relate to others, he or she shuns contacts, which in turn makes it more difficult to overcome the hesitancy. Within this workshop we will learn how to appropriately change the dynamic of your relationships to deter from degenerative spirals.

Metacommunication (communicate about your communicating) is an informative tool that helps to build bridges in communication within a relationship.

Paradoxes and conundrums can be discussed in 12 two-directional pulls that people experience in their relationships. 1. We want contradictory things in relationships: freedom and closeness, openness to talk yet protection, stability and excitement. 2. Both insider and outsider views of relationships are fraught with error. 3. Relationships are problematic- if we don't do anything about their natural dynamic, they may atrophy. 4. Committed relationships, such as marriage, may bring us much unhappiness because we think their purpose is happiness generated. 5. The more intimacy and closeness we want, the more risk we face in the relationship. The greatest pleasure and pain come from those closes to us. 6. We often see the "self" as concrete and finable. 7. Self produced in relationships to others; relationship are produced from two selves. 8. The greatest individual, and the greatest derailment of individual growth, comes from he hurt and disappointment of relationships gone awry. 9. We can solve problems in relationships. 10. We can't fully understand our relationships without concepts, and as soon as we use an abstract notion we impose limitations on what we are seeing. 11. General conclusions about gender,culture, and relationships may not apply at all to your particular relationships. 12. Learning about relationships occurs before, during, and after the relationship is findable event. Relational paradoxes are statements that are both true but contradict one another

One evening as Shichiri Kojun was reciting sutras a thief with a sharp sword entered, demanding either money or his life. Shichiri told him: "Do not disturb me. You can find the money in that drawer." Then he resumed his recitation. A little while afterwards he stopped and called: "Don't take it all. I need some to pay taxes with tomorrow." The intruder gathered up most of the money and started to leave. "Thank a person when you receive a gift," Shichiri added. The man thanked him and made off. A few days afterwards the fellow was caught and confessed, among others, the offence against Shichiri. When Shichiri was called as a witness he said: "This man is no thief, at least as far as I am concerned. I gave him money and he thanked me for it." After he had finished his prison term, the man went to Shichiri and became his disciple.
 * The Thief Who Became a Disciple**

I thought this story was great because it shows how positive reinforcement allowed the thief to turn his life around and make better decisions.

Why is Free Speech so important? Why speak up about things that don't seem to affect you? Perhaps Pastor Martin Neimoller's view in one version of his quote will answer that question. He supported the Nazis until he realized, too late, what they were really about and was sent to Dachau concentration camp. He was one of the fortunate to be freed and live until 1984. First they came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up, Because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Social Democrats, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Social Democrat. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, And I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Trade Unionist Then they came for the Jews, And I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a Jew, then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.

This version thanks to information researched at Liverpool Community College And by University of California Santa Barbara Professor Harold Marcuse I found this poem and it also touched me because it so true you feel that you don't have to stand up for your rights until you're rights are being oppressed. Communication can be a great tool to avoid conflict before it arises. By remaining open minded and learning what you want from the relationships you form with people and the way you want people to view you it enables you to build stronger relationships and to get more out of them.

This just shows how important communication is. Think about your everyday life how often do you let things slide to avoid confrontation? How many times have your parents, siblings or boyfriend/girlfriend said something that you didn’t agree with and you didn’t speak up? You are helping to feed the fuel of a degenerative spiral. If you don’t set boundaries and limitations as to what you will take as and individual and cant communicate it to the people around you accept this behavior and it builds up until one or both parties will exit the relationship. Like any spiral it starts out small and gets continuously larger but there are ways to turn a degenerative spiral into a generative spiral. And example of how to change the dynamic of a relationship I found in the movie Rainman. One of the characteristics Wilmot talks about is to stop, and do a little less of what you’re doing and do the opposite.

In the scene that I found tom Cruise is sitting with Dustin Hoffman (Rainman) in a café and he is flipping through the cd console on the table it immediately makes tom cruise annoyed you can see it in his face and tone of voice when he speaks. However, once Rainman talks and Tom Cruise listened he took a new approach, rather than be abrasive and get frustrated he asked questions and engaged in conversation on Rainman’s level. Because of this you are able to see the change in their relationship within the first minute and forty nine seconds into the clip. They have already taken necessary steps towards building a generative spiral in their relationship. media type="youtube" key="RW1qHA5Hqwc" height="344" width="425"

code http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW1qHA5Hqwc code

But it is important to know that if you’re willing you can make a change in any relationship you’re in by COMMUNICATING. It is highly under rated.